Blog

I came home today and checked my mail, after what seemed like ages. I'd been away. And as I had pedicted, I got quite a few comments. Read previous post, and you'd figure why. And it all made me think.

While I got the expected angry responses, I got a larger number of heartening ones. And I realised, although the reason I started my blog in the first place, was not about garnering support or making me feel like I was not alone, or even about getting my message or any message out, I realised, that the fact that I'd reached to at least one other person, in some way, made me feel pretty darn good.

It made me remember how I used to be at 14, or 15 years old. I had amazing spunk and confidence. I had complete confidence in my abilities and intelligence almost to the point of arrogance. I had passion. I had a goal. I strongly believed there was a greater purpose for me.

I was going to be a writer. I was gonna be fabulous.

I wanted to reach out and tug at heartstrings. I wanted to reach to a specific audience - the book-flipping, coffee-sipping, get-high-on-wilde-or-walpole sort of radical thinkers wearing all black and no smiles on their faces. The intellectual crazies. The eccentric weirdos. I truly believed they were the brains of every society and I wanted to write. I wanted them to read me. I wanted them to know me. All of me. And then, together with them, I wanted to change political ideals, social errors, break societal backbones and then have a cuppa.

I was going to be revolutionary, and believe me, I was convinced that was my path.

And then, I grew up, and saw that the world was ugly. Sure. But I saw that, that ugliness was necessary. Black and white, Yin and Yang. The world had to be ugly, rough and raw in order to be beautiful. There is light only because there is darkness. And darkness is nothing by itself but the absense of light.

Oh Kon, I never thought I'd be repeating your words some day.

Moving on, I realised the magnitude, the importance of balance. I realised I couldn't sweep up my skirts, wave a wand and change Mankind. So, I decided to put down my pen, and take up business instead.

It's a decision that I think about everyday. Not about whether it's right or wrong, but the fact that I failed myself.

I changed my dream, my purpose, because at some point, I guess I'd stopped believing in me.