I'm back

I don't know if anybody is going to realise I'm writing again. Well, I'm not gonna tell. Mainly because I don't know why I feel this urge to 'speak' again, when I know I can't truly say what I need to, on this platform.

I'm in this conflict - I want to scream out, yet I need to keep it all within. There is the recognition of a flesh eating monster within, and yet I can't let it out. Pain breeds more pain doesn't it?


As the pain deepens, the truth gets real-er and I keep hoping it'll maybe reach a high and burst and I'll be whole again. And then there's that weird way how pain becomes a sorta comfort itself.

The heavy head, the pounding heart, the tears that will not cease, and the frown that will not leave - at least, you know you're alive.

I tried to read my past posts. But I couldn't. The pounding got harder, turning it almost into an aching phsysical pain. The tears were threatening to fall, and I was tired of allowing that to happen. So I didn't.

Isn't that scary? I can't read me.

I'm no longer astounded at how stupid I can get, or how naive I am when I believe goodness and love will come triumphant at the end. It doesn't. I'm not even going to try to be any different because I know I don't know how.

A very good friend asked me very recently when and why I lost the fight in me, why I seem so meek, and why I have a never-say-die attitude when sometimes I really shouldn't. I should just stop trying. I should just, go. But no, of course I decide I'm stronger than that.

(try to be hero somemore la, Jesh)

I don't know.

I guess I try and tell myself and everyone near me that I'm an intelligent cynic who's only too wise for this world but secretly try desperately hard to live out a happily-ever-after.

And as it seems, it's burst right in my face.